What's it Really Like to Be a First-Time Mom?
Whether you're giving birth or welcoming your baby through other means, the journey ahead is something you can't truly imagine until you're in it. Appropriate, realistic expectations can make a world of difference in ensuring a positive personal experience.
The Reality vs. The TV Fantasy
We've all seen those perfect births on TV and in movies. You know, the beautiful delivery, everyone’s healthy, the baby latches on immediately, and mom looks fresh and rested. Reality check: that’s often (maybe usually?) not the case!
Having a baby and providing newborn care is exhausting—more exhausting than anything you've likely ever experienced. Even if you're used to sleep deprivation from work or other commitments, it's different with a newborn baby. Every two to three hours, you're on duty for feeding, changing, and soothing. It’s relentless, and saying “no” isn’t an option. And there is no "end" when you're off duty and can go home and go to sleep! You are completely responsible for this tiny human being who is entirely dependent on you. This is where your support network becomes of utmost importance during this life transition.
Specific Challenges
Breastfeeding can be tough. It might be painful at first (though it shouldn’t stay that way). You might not feel that instant connection with your baby that you had imagined. Sometimes, the reality of your personal experience is far from what you envisioned. Maybe you planned a home birth but ended up in the hospital. Maybe your feeding goals included exclusively nursing your baby but your baby doesn't seem to be able to latch. The key takeaway? Expect the unexpected.
Building Your Support Network
Before your baby arrives, gather your village. This includes doulas, lactation consultants, relatives, night nannies, and mother’s helpers. But even with this support, things might not go as planned. Flexibility is your friend.
Setting Realistic Expectations
The best expectation to have is no expectation. Accept that things will be unpredictable and that’s perfectly okay. Lean on your support network and don’t hesitate to seek help. If your feeding plan includes breastfeeding, consider taking a prenatal lactation class or consulting with a prenatal lactation consultant or breastfeeding medicine specialist. They can provide valuable insights and help set realistic expectations for those first days of your parenting journey. Prenatal personal or couples therapy with a perinatal mental health specialist can be invaluable in helping to set expectations and prevent postpartum mood disorders. Often, these sorts of prenatal consults can be done in a convenient virtual session.
Preparing for the Unpredictable
One of the best pieces of advice I can offer is to prepare for the unpredictable. It’s natural to want to plan every detail, but the reality is that childbirth and the early postpartum period are full of surprises. Embrace the journey of your 4th trimester with an open mind and know that it’s okay if things don’t go according to plan. This will help ensure that the blips in the road don't derail your ability to have a positive experience.
Emotional Rollercoaster
Be ready for an emotional rollercoaster. While you may have anticipated only joy and happiness, it’s entirely normal to experience a range of emotions, including sadness, anxiety, and even moments of feeling disconnected from your baby. These feelings are common and do not reflect your capabilities as a mother. The "baby blues" is usually transient and manageable, but true postpartum depression or anxiety is when these feelings become overwhelming and interfere with your ability to function. Seek support from mental health professionals who specialize in perinatal mood disorders if needed, and communicate openly with your partner, loved ones, and healthcare provider.
Practical Tips for New Moms
Here are some practical tips to help you navigate those early days and weeks:
Rest when you can: Sleep deprivation is real. Rest (not necessarily nap) when your baby naps, and don’t hesitate to ask for help so you can rest.
Stay hydrated and nourished: Your body is working hard, especially if you’re breastfeeding but even if you're not. Drink plenty of water and eat nutritious meals.
Accept help: Whether it’s meals, house cleaning, or someone holding the baby so you can shower, accept all offers of help. Remember that help can include newborn care, but it can also include anything else you need to survive but simply can't find the time to do on your own.
Join a support group: Connecting with other new moms of babies can provide comfort and practical advice. Look for local groups or online communities.
Self-care: Take moments for yourself, even if it’s just a few minutes a day. Read a book, take a walk, or simply breathe deeply.
Baby-wearing: Babies love to be held. While snuggling can be great, sometimes parents have things to do and can't be stuck on the couch for every baby nap. Baby-wearing can be a great way to snuggle with your baby while allowing you to move around and take care of yourself.
Seeking Professional Support
If you’re planning to breastfeed, enlisting the help of a lactation consultant or breastfeeding medicine specialist can be incredibly beneficial. These professionals can provide personalized advice and support to help you navigate any challenges that arise. Postpartum doulas can provide virtual and in-home support, non-judgmentally helping with anything you need!
Remember, You are Human
You are human. It's OK to not be perfect. It's OK to ask for help. It's OK to feel tired and wonder why you ever thought having a baby was a good idea. None of these things mean you're a bad mom or parent. These are normal feelings and you are not alone in them.