FINDING BALANCE IN A BUSY WORLD
“Progress is what is important. Not perfection.”
Note from Dr. Rubin:
After spending time preparing my blog post for this week, I went to upload it to my website and discovered that I had already posted on this very same topic only two months back! My first thought was, “Ugh, I need to start all over for this week.”
After giving it some thought, I decided to go ahead and post about the topic again. The articles are based on the same video I made some time ago, and the pieces are very similar, with mainly changes only to the wording and order of some of my points.
Posting this again is a testament to two things: 1) we can’t always be perfect (a point I even made in this blog below), and 2) Special time is so important a tool that it’s worth posting twice so that more people see it and get the benefit of the information.
So if you’re having deja vu as you read this blog post, hopefully it will sink in and become that much easier to incorporate this concept into your life. And if you’re readingn it for the firest time, well, enjoy!
As a breastfeeding and fourth-trimester physician in the Oak Park and River Forest suburbs of Chicago, I have seen firsthand how challenging it can be for families to find balance in their busy lives. Between work, household responsibilities, and caring for our little ones, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and stretched thin. Today, I want to share some thoughts on finding balance, particularly through the simple yet powerful concept of "special time."
What Does Balance Really Mean?
Finding balance is about more than just juggling our daily tasks; it’s about making intentional choices to create meaningful moments with the people we care about most. Balance means having time for your family, yourself, your interests, and your work. It involves carving out space to connect deeply with each of your children (and your spouse!). This isn't easy, and it certainly isn’t something I claim to have perfected. However, I’ve learned that it’s incredibly important to strive for.
Introducing "Special Time"
One practice I highly recommend to families, especially those welcoming a second child and navigating the transition for their older child, is “special time.” This concept is simple but can have a profound impact on family dynamics and relationships. And while it can be used for romantic relationships, which I comment on below, in this blog we will mainly be talking about special time related to our kids.
What is Special Time?
Special time is a designated period—whether it’s 5, 10, or 15 minutes—where you focus entirely on one person. You put away your phone, turn off the TV, and devote yourself to that individual. This time is not about completing tasks or running errands; it’s about being fully present and engaged.
The other important part of special time is that it is labeled or named and it can be relied upon by members of the family. It doesn't have to be called "special time," but giving this time a name helps to make it special and important. You can even spend your first "special time" coming up with a name for it with the help of your little one.
Why Special Time Matters
In a world where distractions are constant, setting aside dedicated moments for your loved ones can help strengthen relationships and improve behavior, especially in children.
Bringing a new baby and sibling into the home, with so much necessary newborn care, can be traumatic for the older child. Their place and role in the family are changing, and that can be very scary and upsetting. This makes this newborn period especially ripe for using special time as a tool to help with the transition. For older siblings adjusting to a new baby, special time can be incredibly reassuring. It reminds them that they still have a unique and important place in your heart.
But the newborn period isn't the only time when special time can come in handy. If it has fallen off your radar as you transition OUT of the newborn phase, there will be other times when it can be helpful to reinstate special time. Some examples are during any times of change or stress, when you have a child who is suddenly having more challenging behavior (they may be simply trying to get your attention), or if there is a child or family member who has an acute or chronic medical condition that requires more hands-on or comprehensive care.
The Benefits for Children
Children crave our attention and thrive when they feel seen and valued. When special time is consistent, an older sibling can have the peace of mind that they WILL get that time sometime today or tomorrow, even though there may be many times during the day when you are pulled away. Special time also allows them to have a say in how they spend that time, which can be empowering and affirming. Whether it’s reading a book, taking a walk, or cooking together, the activity itself is less important than the act of being present.
Benefits for the Birthing or Lactating Parent
As a newborn care specialist providing 4th Trimester Care in my private practice, my focus is not only on the baby but also on the birthing or lactating parent. New parents often reveal to me that they miss their other children and mourn the relationships they used to have before the new baby came along. This is natural, and while it may not be fully preventable, if a new parent can count on having baby-free special time, that feeling of loss can be eased by the promise of chunks of time for connection with and focus on the older child or children.
The Benefits for Spouses
Even a short period of special time can make a significant difference in your relationship with your spouse. As life gets busier with children’s activities, homework, and other responsibilities, it can be easy to lose touch with each other. Setting aside even 15 minutes a day can help maintain the bond that brought you together in the first place. This may be a good time to enlist the help of friends, relatives, doulas, or babysitters to help give you and your spouse time alone.
Making Special Time Work for You
How you implement special time will depend on your family's unique needs and schedules. It might not happen every day, and that’s okay. Remember - we don't have to be perfect at everything! The key is consistency and making it a priority whenever possible.
Start Small
If the idea of finding time feels overwhelming, start small. Maybe it’s just five minutes before bedtime a quick walk after dinner. What matters most is the quality and consistency of the time, not the quantity.
Get Creative
There are endless ways to spend special time, so don’t be afraid to get creative. Depending on the age of the child, letting the child pick the activity can make the time feel even more special to the child. You can bake cookies, have a dance party in the living room, or simply sit and talk about your day.
A Pledge to Prioritize Connection
I may not have a newborn baby myself, but I do have two kids who regularly fight for my attention. Life seems to get busier as my children move from birth through adolescence, and the opportunities for special time with family members become fewer and farther between.
I’m pledging to prioritize special time with my family, and I encourage you to do the same. It’s a simple yet powerful way to foster connection and show the people you love that they are seen, heard, and cherished. I challenge you to take this pledge with me. Whether it’s with your child, your spouse, or another loved one who needs special time, make time to connect. You might be surprised at how much this small commitment can improve your relationships and overall sense of balance.
Let’s embark on this journey together. Wishing you a wonderful day filled with meaningful moments!