Tween angst
TWEEN LIVING.
Yesterday we picked up a very dirty tween from a week at sleepaway camp. His proud report was that he hadn’t showered once during the week. I could see inklings of his rosy cheeks peeking out from the grime. And I’m not even going to share the tooth-brushing report, which really gave me the heebie jeebies. Despite the layers of dirt, we were very happy to have him back and to hear about his amazing week. We also were quickly reminded of the tween phase he is going through, from the mini meltdowns to the quick angry outbursts and also the fierce love that peeks through here and there. And immediately we were sprinkled with penis jokes again. Or perhaps I should say we are sprayed with a fire hose?
The first sign that my son was nearing the tween years was when he started wiping my kisses off. It was a sad day when that first happened. Thankfully, he remains a fairly cuddly guy, just sans kisses (or hugs in front of other people).
The fact of the matter is that this really is a unique and challenging time for parenting a child (and for navigating AS a child). Each new phase has had its challenges as well as its bright moments, so as I navigate my own way through this age, I’d like to share a few little tidbits…
Rapid physical and emotional development can be confusing. Tweens’ emotional states can be quite labile due to the very specific hormone changes and rapid brain development that are taking place. This can be scary for a young person. It is important to acknowledge and empathize with those strong emotions, even when they may come with inappropriate language or behavior. This helps them to know that you’re on their side no matter what and makes it more likely that they will come to you when they’re in trouble.
Continue to enforce limits and discipline while slowly allowing more autonomy where possible. It is important for tweens to feel trusted to start to make some decisions on their own while still keeping them safe and responsible human beings.
Screen time. This is a tough one. We all know that screen time can be detrimental to kids’ development and behavior, and unfortunately they get plenty of it in school and when doing homework, so allowing even small amounts for personal entertainment can make the screen time minutes add up quickly. But while screen time in and of itself can be detrimental, it is also one of the main ways tweens and teens socialize in this day and age, so it can be difficult to balance screen time with fostering important social connections and giving kids the chance to experience and navigate challenging relationship dynamics. I can’t say I’ve figured this out yet myself and I suspect the balance is constantly changing and will differ significantly by child and family.
Family time continues to be important. Family dinners and fun outings (or innings) whenever possible will help keep your tween connected with you and the rest of your family. It’s easy to get caught up in all the busy-ness but remember to take time out for family togetherness in as low-pressure means as possible. I think doing puzzles or board games and taking long car rides together can be great for this purpose - both require putting up with each other’s quirks, set periods of time together, but also foster non-pressured conversations that may not happen in more forced situations (these things can be much more comfortable whenever you aren’t forced to make eye contact!).
Nurturing personal preferences and identity. This applies to sports, other activities, friendships, clothing choices, gender and sexual identity. Tweens are starting the road to figuring out who they are and who they want to be. It’s important to allow them space to do this, while of course instilling your family’s values and priorities along the way. Leading by example is the most effective way to do this.
Sleep! This can get pretty wonky during this age, and even more so as kids enter the teen years, but adequate sleep (typically at least about 8-10 hours/night (depending on where they are on the age spectrum) is essential for physical growth, focus and attention, optimal performance in school and activities, and emotional regulation. Even though life starts to get pretty busy, sleep should be prioritized in order to help with tidbits #1-5.
Do not feel like you have to navigate all of this alone. If you need help, professionals such as pediatricians, family physicians, and child/adolescent and adult mental health professionals can be invaluable during these years. Even if there is nothing truly “wrong,” getting tips directed at your particular situation from a licensed professional can provide priceless help in keeping family dynamics, your child’s, and your own mental health in a good place during this challenging time.
Layers of grime or not, we will all make it through one way or another. And if you have any tips for ME, please don’t hesitate to send them my way!