Have you Ever felt Mom Guilt?

Let’s talk about mom guilt. 

It can be hard when we put so much pressure on ourselves to take care of and mold our children and do everything the “right” way for this small human being that we are trying to grow into an adult.  Parents often ask me “What's the right way to do something?” This could be related to discipline, sleep, family rules, school issues, or any range of life and family situations.  The thing is, there usually is not a right or wrong way to do things.

Mostly, there are simply different ways.  Some ways might make more theoretical sense at that moment, and some ways just might work better for one person or one family than another family.  There's no judgment there. We judge ourselves more than anyone else probably judges us and we may do things that we wish we had done differently afterwards. I have tried over the years to get better at learning from those mistakes - thinking about them after the fact and trying to do things differently the next time.

For instance, if I handled a situation that was directly related to my child in a not-the-best way - like I lost my temper when my child didn’t do something I asked them to do - and I really wish that I hadn't -- I apologize and I explain why this happened and tell my child that I could have had handled it differently.  I could say, “There are better ways that I could have responded and I'm sorry if that hurt you.”  This is called a "repair" in psychology.  It’s not making excuses or trying to “fix” the situation but instead, it’s acknowledging that it could have been done differently and offering an apology and a promise to try to do better next time.  This teaches our children that we are human and it's okay for them to be human and to make mistakes also.  And it models how one can mend blips like this and take responsibility for one’s behavior.   It can also be a great way to work together to think of ways it could have been handled differently or to give some examples of what you might do differently in the future (like counting to 10 before saying anything, taking your own “time out” before addressing the problem, putting yourself in the other person’s shoes to see how your response would make them feel before actually saying anything). 

In the end, we can actually create a lot of good from things that may feel like mistakes or failures, but really they're not. They're actually building blocks for us to learn how to do things differently and get stronger and wiser and pass that knowledge on to our kids.

And just remember - we as parents are doing the best that we can with the information that we have at the moment that we're in. And that's a different moment and different information than other people may have, or that we may have 10 years from now.  So let's try not to be so hard on ourselves.  Let’s learn from these experiences and give ourselves the grace that we cannot be “perfect” all the time.  I love the social media reels that show other people’s messy houses or talk about times when they “lost it” with their kids, or times when stressed-out moms have locked themselves in the closet to get a few moments of peace and calm.  It makes me realize that we are all just doing the best we can and we’re all just muddling through. 

It's also important to acknowledge when you’re in over your head, or you need some new tools to handle life’s challenges more smoothly, or to learn different ways to parent kids with different temperaments.  If these things were not modeled for you, it’s not surprising for you to need some help retraining yourself.  Don’t hesitate to ask your pediatrician for some guidance or resources if this is the case. 

But most importantly, remember that the answer is rarely black and white, and we have to go with our gut and know we're doing our best.  Guilt about things that are in the past doesn’t get us anywhere.  It’s precious energy we are using up that could be redirected towards healing and learning and practicing new things. 

And it can be easier to say this than to do this.  I have to constantly remind myself that it doesn’t make sense to feel guilty, I’m never going to be the “perfect” parent.  Or that really, our perfection is in our imperfections, and it helps us grow and be human when we own that imperfection and learn from it.