As a first-time mom, whether you're giving birth to the baby yourself or welcoming your baby through other means, the journey ahead is something you just can't fully imagine until you're in the thick of it. But having appropriate expectations for the early weeks postpartum may be the most important factor in determining whether you have a positive or negative experience.

The Perfect Picture: Myth vs. Reality

I think a lot of us see the perfect experiences on TV or in books and movies—the beautiful birth, everyone healthy, the baby latching on right away, and mom looking rested and radiant. But, let’s be honest, that’s usually not the reality.  And science has shown that when our reality in the postpartum period does not meet our expectations, we are higher risk for postpartum depression. 

The Exhaustion Factor

It’s exhausting having a baby.  No two ways about it.  I think most people hear that and think, “Okay, okay, I know I’ll be fine” (That was me - I was a pediatrician, for goodness sake, surely I know what it will be like and will be able to handle it!) But for most, it’s more exhausting than anything we’ve ever experienced. With a baby, you’re dealing with feeding, changing, and comforting every two to three hours, especially in those first days and weeks—and sometimes months.  And you can’t say no.  You can't "clock out."  Sure, you can get relief from others (and should accept it when offered!), but it will likely be an exhaustion like none you have ever experienced.

Breastfeeding: The Challenges

If you're planning to breastfeed, this adds an area where expectations may not equal reality.  Similar to newborn care in general, breastfeeding can be (and often is) quite difficult in the early days.  Many women struggle with nipple or breast pain, concerns about milk supply, and babies who just seem to refuse to latch to the breast.  This is one area where women often feel like they "should" be able to do it, and when they can't, it can be truly devastating.  In my job as a Breastfeeding and Lactation Medicine physician, I frequently see how much of a toll these unrealistic expectations can take on a new mother's mental health.

A Rainbow of Emotions

Most postpartum people experience some level of the baby blues. Despite how common it is and the fact that most people know it might happen, it can be very disconcerting and even disturbing when we feel negative emotions around our new baby and motherhood.  We might expect to feel happy and joyful, but instead, we feel sad. We might feel connected to our baby, or maybe we don’t feel that connection right away. You might have planned for a home birth but ended up in a hospital. You may have had a birth plan with every detail outlining your wishes for a natural birth but had to have an emergency c-section. Things can look very different from what we had envisioned.  We may experience brand new emotions during this period as well, having stepped into a new role as a parent.

Embracing the Unexpected

The best expectation to have going into new motherhood/parenthood is to accept that you really have no idea what it’s going to look like. It’s probably not going to look exactly like what you had predicted, and that’s okay. Roll with the punches, and get your support system ready—doulas, lactation consultants, relatives, night nannies, mother’s helpers, whoever you can lean on in those first weeks. But it's also OK to grieve the loss of the experience we had hoped for.  

Being Prepared to be Unprepared

Being prepared to be unprepared is probably the best approach. Get used to the idea that things won’t go as planned, and that’s okay. Don’t feel alone. Seek support—there are so many ways to get it.  Some you may not realize you will need, but some kinds of support are universal.  Line up people to bring you meals or do your grocery shopping for you.  

If you plan on breastfeeding, consider meeting with a prenatal lactation consultant or breastfeeding medicine specialist to feel more educated and empowered going into the experience. This helps set realistic expectations and can make those first days of breastfeeding a bit easier to navigate.  

Lining up a perinatal mental health therapist can be a priceless source of support through your journey - before, during, and after - and can help you make sense of that rainbow of emotions and your reactions to experiences you didn't expect.  

You are stronger than you know.  And we can be stronger when we hold each other up and allow ourselves to be held up - by those who love us as well as by trained supporters.